Goodbye Perrfect Imperrfections!

Dear reader,

Hello, how art thou? I do hope life is treating you well, and halfway through the year you've at least achieved one of your new year's resolutions. *ahem ahem* 

So firstly l want to say thankyou for all the responses I got on the last post, "Why I'm mad at God" which you can read here http://perrfectimperrfections.blogspot.com/search?updated-min=2015-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&updated-max=2016-01-01T00:00:00-08:00&max-results=4  if you missed it. It was really cool to find out that I'm not alone and there are quite a few people out there going through struggles with faith and stuff. I think sometimes our questions are stifled which I personally think is one of religion's biggest faults. 

Though the point is to be able to question and understand our faith enough to test it against the world when the time comes. that's what I believe anyway. I mean Don't you think we need to be able to know why we believe what we believe? Anyway, that's a discussion for another day.

Today, I actually am here to regret to inform you that perrfect imperrfections is ending...

Before you burst into sobs, because I know you love me and this blog that much, and right now you are like,

Lol.

So since I joined university, I've been figuring out my life and it has been super inconsistent resulting in I having not being a very faithful blogger but I am amazed by the support I still got from all my readers and friends. So thank you for that.

 Recently after I closed school I got a blogging internship with this blog called Potentash, you can check it out here http://www.potentash.com/

This opportunity has opened my eyes to how much more you can do with writing and it has been a super fun though stretching, and growing experience as well.

One of the things that it has inspired me to do is to grow my blog and expand the things that I talk about so here comes the good news. I am re assessing and adding new content and ideas to this blog in order to grow it.

We have come from far, when last year January I wrote my first Blog post Perfect imperfections and I was pleasantly surprised that people actually enjoyed what I wrote, to now when I want to write things that help ya'al grow more into who you are meant to be. 

I Have a new name, Kamilika which means to be Perfected, or more literally to be completed, or finished. So watch out for new details and information starting next week. So yaaay....

Ohh, if you are a photographer, music person, writer in any way, lover of fashion, food, or any other Art and wouldn't mind helping me, -and getting your specific work recognized in the process- please hit me up on Facebook inbox or email me, and I'll give you more info.

So for now...

Why I'm mad at God...

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!!!!!!!!!!

So it’s been a while since my last post, but having closed the semester I do believe I will have more time to update ya’al on perrfect imperrfections. Now today I’m going to take a break from my heart break rules series –though we do only have one more post to go- because I want to rant, and the best way to rant is to write it down and make it look like a deep, intentional, philosophical post lol.

So here goes. I am mad at God. Okay maybe not mad, frustrated really and we are sorting out our differences but still I just had to admit how I feel. Recently, my parents have been going through a really tough phase financially, like super crazy bad.

I have watched my mum cry out to God a lot and because she and I are close she tells me about her talks with Him. She has so much faith and stuff that this is just a Job season and it is going to pass, that faith is what has been carrying her since last year. The weird thing is that I have quite a number of friends who are going through the exact same thing. It’s like a crazy financial firewall that cannot be breached and I really just don’t understand!

I mean God listens to our prayers right? He is real yeah? So is he just ignoring them on purpose?!

Then reason number two. I have been having these super deep talks with my brother as well recently, and he has been questioning God’s existence and whether it can be proved as factual and scientifically founded. It has been super hard for me, especially when he asks questions that I cannot answer. You see for me, I think one of things that I inherited from my mother is faith so I don’t need to dig deep into evolution verses creation theories to see which one is more factual or sound. I believe because what is the alternative? For me it’s too depressing to think about a world and life without a purpose, you are born, you live, you die! Why????

My brother on the other hand is very logical and his words were, “It just seems to me that both sides have their own ways to prove why they are right and it’s just a choice I have to make.” Then he would ask me questions like “If God exists why doesn’t He just show Himself to us to prove it? Or if the Bible is real then how can a God who claims to love people kill millions of innocent people in the old testament? Innocent women and children because of something their father did? Or if He knows the past, present and future why can’t he stop evil things from happening in the future? Or do we really have a choice in the matter of getting saved if he knows everyone who will ultimately end up in heaven and everyone who will end up in hell? And those people who lived in indigenous villages and never once got to hear the gospel, do they go to hell because they never got a chance to believe in Jesus?

So when I was in my room I literally went before God and was like, ‘wth?! I mean really? You said that I don’t have to defend you, that you would reveal yourself to every individual and it is so tiresome trying to explain and defend your actions. I mean you are God, you literally can do anything you want so why can’t you just speak clearly? Like in a dream?  Or a voice from Heaven? I know I have your Word but even in your Word I feel like I understand David when he said, “How long oh Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?” Ps. 13:1-2

I realized that a lot of David’s Psalms are actually like this. We, or let me say I am used to all his “and I will rest in the shadow of the almighty… oh how my soul longs for you… you are everything I need… I rest in you” *unwavering happy moment* psalms, yet there are so many “Lord I can’t do this anymore, it feels like you are not here and I am just a man. Can you even hear me crying out to you? Are you out there?” *clueless doubting desperate* Psalms.

And it has helped me realize that it’s okay to have those moments with God because even in though there was moments of heart-breaking despair and darkness, the light won victorious in David’s life.

 You know what, let’s make a deal hey?

I know I’m going through my issues and you may be going through your issues,  but I won’t give up if you don’t? Just get down on your knees and tell God, “at some point you have got to come through, because I am not, no matter what giving up on my faith. I believe you know what you are doing in my life (and in my family’s lives) and I am tired of stressing about things that are out of my control so I choose to trust in you, I choose faith…    

HEART BREAK RULES: Story Time- FORBIDDEN LOVE?

Hello lovely people, How are you this fine morning? Or afternoon? Or evening? Or whatever time you are reading this blog post in the course of your day...

So I haven't gotten many heart break story responses since my last post and I think I figured out why... You see, when you give your heart to someone, you are giving them not just that but also your trust and when they break it, they break your trust as well. This leads, in turn, to you never wanting your heart to be broken, which leads to you trusting less and less, leading to you hating the very thought of being vulnerable.

So it makes it even harder to share your story. This is just what I have observed from my few years on this earth. Don't just write it off, because it is true. Anyway today I will just share briefly two relationship stories that I personally watched play out before me last year that didn't end the way you think they would have.

STORY 1.

There was a girl I met last year during my DTS who had been through a whole lot. Her life story is one that wouldn't leave a dry eye in the room, but that is a story for another day. We shall give her the name Sky -just for fun-

Sky and I at first were not the closest of friends because I could not, for the life of me, understand her! She was a very strong character, and was one of those loud personalities that are not afraid to speak their mind, no matter who is in the room or what the consequences might be. So for someone like me who always thinks about how a person is going to react before I say anything, that was umm very different.

We did get to spend a lot of time together though, which helped me to get to understand and love her more. 

Now on the other hand, there was this guy, we can call him Josh. Josh was a leader, he also became like a brother to me. He is one of those guys who talk a whole lot when you are one on one, but is more silent in a crowd. He had his flaws but he is one of the coolest guys I know because he genuinely loves!

-you by now probably know where this is going but back to our story-

Josh and Sky started talking, and they continued talking, and talking, and did I mention talking? :P Causing a budding romance between the two of them. It was a classic 'boy likes girl, girl likes boy' situation, but there was one hitch.

It was not allowed.

The rules of DTS state that during the period of your 6months there you cannot date because you are supposed to be focused on building your relationship with God, and especially no dating between a leader and a student. So it was a modern day-not as dramatic- case of Romeo and Juliet ;) 

Sky and Josh told us they were praying about it and even got us involved, because they were my friends I supported them all the way, even when they decided to start a relationship; but forbidden love does have consequences. There were people in the team who were not happy about their relationship because it broke the rules. They believed it would be a distraction us working as a team to do ministry. Whether it was the cause of distrust and division leading to having to pick a side in our team I will never know for certain, but we did have issues amongst each other and we ended up leaving the mission field early.

By the time we went back to the base, we had to go through a few conflict resolution sessions to resolve our 'team issues'. Josh and Sky both apologized 100 times individually and said if they had thought before that their relationship would lead to all the events that took place they would not have started it but still there was a lot of blame game going on.

In my head, besides all the drama that was going on I forgave them and knew it was worth it. It's okay since they were still going to end up together. Josh would tell me how he knew she was the one and talk like he loved her fiercely. They would have conversations about how when she went back home they were going to keep a long distance relationship. Sky made Josh promise that no matter what he would not break up with her.

DTS soon ended and they had to say their goodbyes, on a sad but 'don't worry we are going to skype every day and see each other in a year' note.

Josh was even talking to me about proposal ideas, and how he was going to go to the country where Sky lived and surprise her. Maybe even live there. I mean literally uproot his whole life for her. 

This is the part where they lived happily ever after, right?

Well, wrong. Less than two months after the physical separation Sky broke up with Josh. What happened was when she went back home there was a lot of things going on in her life 'I told you she has a complicated past' and she felt like Josh was not being there for her.

Josh on the other hand, had a lot of things happen within his family at that time as well, so as much as he wanted to be there for Sky he was overwhelmed with his own issues.

It broke his heart when she broke up with him, especially after she had made him promise to never break up with her. The worst thing is that while they were breaking up they abused each other and said things they would both regret, leaving them on non-speaking terms.

It was a reflection of humanity; Or rather the brokenness of humanity that I keep talking about... What is most frustrating is that after everything the team went through for the sake of their relationship, the least they could have done was gotten married lol; but that is not how the world works.

I personally would never want to experience that myself, which is why I am grateful to have seen the messiness unfold. It is a lesson.

1. Don't make promises you cannot keep

2. If you are going to do love, do it the right way. Don't rush into it, protect your heart and actually PRAY!

3. Understand how your relationships affect others. Love is not selfish or self-centred. It is actually the most servants’ like attribute because at ALL times you should be thinking about what is best for the other person. 

Today, Sky and Josh are both doing well individually. I've kept in touch with both of them and the beauty of life is that our mistakes do not define us, and I can honestly see God is doing amazing things in both their lives. :D

Okay, so because this story has taken way too much space, I will save the second one for my next blog post... Again feel free to share with me how you feel, I love reading your comments, inboxes etc. 

P.s Exams start next week *fingers crossed* prayers greatly appreciated! :P

LOvE Ya'al!

BYE

HEART BREAK RULES...

HELLO HUMAN BEING

*and any aliens secretly living as humans in our world, yeah I know you exist mwahaha*

*clears throat* Anyway today is a beautiful day, do you know why today is a beautiful day? Because today the world did not end. 

How am I sure the world did not end? 'you may ask.' 

Well check the ground beneath you, are you standing on good old fashioned solid ground? Yes? Great stuff! I told you.

So I know I have to go through the whole thing of apologizing for being a horrible non-consistent blogger, and believe me when I say I am truly and utterly sorry from the deepest downest depths of my heart. :) 

I love you my faithful readers and ya'al make me as happy as if  Hunter Hayes asked me to marry him. Okay maybe not that happy but close hehe.

 HUNTER HAYES

 If you do not know him, he is a musician that is destined to be the love of my life, I will post one of his songs at the end of this post.

So now back to what we were saying. I would like explain my actions, so the last time I posted was the beginning of the year. Since then a lot has happened in my life, umm I started university whoop whoop! It has officially been about 10 weeks since I went to Daystar University Athi River and some people call it Afghanistan but really people? Don't hate because you are doomed to a worse fate (I could so become a rapper hihihi)

So someone suggested to me the other day that I should start an anonymous blog that way I can express anything I want without anyone knowing it's me and I thought that was a very cool idea but for now I am just going to be as blunt as I possibly can be.
My heart was broken.

Okay I am being melodramatic. My heart was not broken, it was like barely even bruised but it was scratched. So Recently I had this thing where I really liked a guy. He showed all the right signs, like we would talk for hours on the phone, he told me things that made me feel amazing about myself. He was hot, lol loves Jesus and I just felt like we really clicked.
Now let me explain something about myself, I don't like guys easily but when I do it's the most frustrating thing in the universe because i give a lot it is so time consuming and emotionally draining.
So with this guy I invested a lot of myself into him for the short period of time that we were talking because I thought this actually has potential. This could go somewhere.
Then silence.
He stopped texting, calling or seeming interested. I am not the type who will keep texting or bugging you if you don't seem interested because I will not look desperate but truth be told this made me shuku (doubt) myself. Like did I say something wrong? Did I act immaturely at some point? Does he just think I'm ugly now? Or found something better? What's going on here? 

  And it kinda hurt, one of those times where you take your journal out and write five pages about how guys are so stupid. :P Then I told myself, you know what this pity party is so stupid. I mean I was fine before I met him I'll be fine if he decides he never wants to talk to me again. So I took the weekend to kind off alone to just get over it and spend time with myself.
I was talking to a girlfriend the other day and she told me something similar happened to her. It helped so much. So I have two things to tell the guys out there.
1. DO NOT lead a girl on if you are not interested in pursuing her until the end. Girls are wired differently than guys and we are more emotional which is why you have to be careful with your words, your body language, and the general way you treat her.
2. DTR!!!!! Define The Relationship! I cannot stress this enough! I was talking to a friend of mine who is like a big brother the other day, and he was telling me how guys can be cowards in that they never really tell you what they want. It's like playing a game of hopscotch, jumping from box to box with one foot, never really settling down in one and deciding this is what it is. I am not being feminist, or biased, I am just stating facts.
Men were created to be the chasers, or leaders. It is literally your God-given responsibility to make the first move. So when you leave a girl hanging in mid air, it's like what the hell dude?? *mind my language*
Now I know girls sometimes we do the same thing. Recently another guy shared his feelings for me, and because I hate confrontation it was the hardest thing for me to tell him I don't feel the same way, especially because he is an amazing guy, but we had the DTR conversation and I told him. Now I am so glad I did because it's so much better than me saying I don't know or let me think about it and stuff while I let him buy me things, or treat me like he would a girlfriend when I know how I feel.
So before I go on and on let me just say this is just from personal observation and opinion, it is also free advice. Guys, girls are attracted to guys who are committed. Men who know what they want and are not just playing around. Take it or leave it, that's the truth as I see it.
Now for me the decision that this situationship led me to decide was that I have set a specific amount of time in which I have promised myself I am not going to date. I'm not even going to look for the one. After I made that decision I went to bed, slept and I woke up the next morning feeling so relieved, like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders.
This is probably because I don't have to look at every guy I meet or am friends with and think, 'could he be the one?' points in different direction 'wait could he be the one?' points in different location 'oh hold up, maybe he is the one?' Why lie? At this stage in our lives, that is something we girls do a whole lot. Look at the possibilities, have a list of pros and cons in our head, and envision our future with or without that person.
It does feel nice though, I feel like because I know in my head that I am not dating anyone for some time, and that means guys are not going to play around with my feelings because I know it's not going anywhere and it's like the power is now in my hands! Mwahahaha! :P
So I think I am going to do a series on actual HEART BREAK because mine was just a Heart scratch hehehe. So if you have any stories you want to share with me, please feel free. :)
Love you guys and cheerio for now.

P.s this is 'Wanted' the first song I ever heard by Hunter Hayes and became obsessed.

HAPPY 2015! Tattoo and nose piercing! Lady boys and blue highlights! Behind the Face of Grace!

Hello 2015 human being!
What's new?? I hope you had an amazing Christmas and New years... So today's post is going to be kind of reflective and I'm going to tell you what's new with me. Well for one if we are friends you might or might not have noticed I got a nose ring and a tattoo!
Hahaha contrary to what you may think I am not being a rebellious teenager. Hihi but before I get into that I first wanted to explain and dig deeper into my last spoken word, which was called 'Behind the Face of Grace.' By the way what did you think of that piece? I would love to know!
I honestly loved writing that piece because it helped me express what I was feeling, which is a lot of disappointment in us as people of Jesus who have such a judgmental spirit. I was having a conversation with my friend the other day and he reminded me how when Jesus was here he didn't hang out with religious people half as much as he hang out with prostitutes, thieves, and basically the out-rightly messed up and broken.... Yet we sometimes have the "I'm too good for him/her" vibe surrounding us.

I've even noticed it with Christians among ourselves. We at times have a proud air, and I absolutely hate it!
I know that's a strong statement but it's honestly how I feel... Disgusted that we think we have any right to consider ourselves better than anyone else. That we have any right to judge?! I know we are human and for some reason feeling like we have every right judge other people has run in our blood for ages. From racism, and judging by color, to making someone else feel inferior just so that we feel superior. It's just something we do and have always done but have no right to.
Okay so let me not get misinterpreted here. I understand that there are things that are wrong, 'sins.' I am not saying that we should not speak out to someone who is continuously doing something which you know and they know is harmful to their growth and well being as an individual; but there is a difference between constructive criticism and pure plain judgyness *yes I have made that a word, don't judge me -pun intended- lol*

So let me give you an example. One of the universal questions I've heard as a christian is how do you treat a homosexual.
On my trip to Thailand when I was doing outreach for my DTS I met what they call 'Lady Boys.' These are men who all their lives, or from a certain point in their lives believed that they were and are actually meant to be females, so they completely change everything about themselves. By that I literally mean EVERYTHING...
Now what was the first thought that just came to your mind??? It was probably along the lines of 'disgusting! Gross! Eww! Or that is so wrong on so many levels!'
Which are understandable statements considering you never met them, but do you want t know what the first thought that comes to my mind is hen I think about them?
They were beautiful! Like honestly, they had figures I would kill for, and perfect make-up on that I could never do no matter how hard I tried, and they longed for and sought after love!
Now I know that's weird but my heart broke for them and with it the realization that they need to hear, see, and feel, the grace of our Jesus who died for them even knowing that they were going to end up like they did because He loves them.
It's as simple as that, imagine? He doesn't love them any less because of how broken they are. That my friends, is the true Face of Grace, what Jesus showed. A love that is able to separate the person from the deed, that is able to see the hurt and need, that is able to acknowledge EVERYONE needs to be loved.
A love that is able to hate sin yet love the sinner. That is the face of grace :)

Now back to my umm 'phase' haha let me quickly try and explain myself because this post has been way long already. Since I was around 10 I always wanted three things when I got older, a nose ring, a tattoo, and to dye my hair blue (lol now I'll just get blue highlights) and my dad was like when I turn 18 or become an adult I would be able to make the decisions for myself. So I waited, and it gave me time to think about my reasons, motives, and what Jesus thought about it.  I know it is a very controversial issue among believers, especially tattoos and in our culture but here is my advice. Do your research for yourself, ask God for guidance, trust the Holy spirit because the reason He is here is to lead and guide every person individually ultimately to Christ so listen because what He has to say is important. Last and most important Love God and live like you love Him relentlessly!

P.s If you want to ask me about my tattoo feel free.  
P.p.s The guy who did my tat is a Christian and I just found that very cool! :D