Why I'm mad at God...

Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!!!!!!!!!!

So it’s been a while since my last post, but having closed the semester I do believe I will have more time to update ya’al on perrfect imperrfections. Now today I’m going to take a break from my heart break rules series –though we do only have one more post to go- because I want to rant, and the best way to rant is to write it down and make it look like a deep, intentional, philosophical post lol.

So here goes. I am mad at God. Okay maybe not mad, frustrated really and we are sorting out our differences but still I just had to admit how I feel. Recently, my parents have been going through a really tough phase financially, like super crazy bad.

I have watched my mum cry out to God a lot and because she and I are close she tells me about her talks with Him. She has so much faith and stuff that this is just a Job season and it is going to pass, that faith is what has been carrying her since last year. The weird thing is that I have quite a number of friends who are going through the exact same thing. It’s like a crazy financial firewall that cannot be breached and I really just don’t understand!

I mean God listens to our prayers right? He is real yeah? So is he just ignoring them on purpose?!

Then reason number two. I have been having these super deep talks with my brother as well recently, and he has been questioning God’s existence and whether it can be proved as factual and scientifically founded. It has been super hard for me, especially when he asks questions that I cannot answer. You see for me, I think one of things that I inherited from my mother is faith so I don’t need to dig deep into evolution verses creation theories to see which one is more factual or sound. I believe because what is the alternative? For me it’s too depressing to think about a world and life without a purpose, you are born, you live, you die! Why????

My brother on the other hand is very logical and his words were, “It just seems to me that both sides have their own ways to prove why they are right and it’s just a choice I have to make.” Then he would ask me questions like “If God exists why doesn’t He just show Himself to us to prove it? Or if the Bible is real then how can a God who claims to love people kill millions of innocent people in the old testament? Innocent women and children because of something their father did? Or if He knows the past, present and future why can’t he stop evil things from happening in the future? Or do we really have a choice in the matter of getting saved if he knows everyone who will ultimately end up in heaven and everyone who will end up in hell? And those people who lived in indigenous villages and never once got to hear the gospel, do they go to hell because they never got a chance to believe in Jesus?

So when I was in my room I literally went before God and was like, ‘wth?! I mean really? You said that I don’t have to defend you, that you would reveal yourself to every individual and it is so tiresome trying to explain and defend your actions. I mean you are God, you literally can do anything you want so why can’t you just speak clearly? Like in a dream?  Or a voice from Heaven? I know I have your Word but even in your Word I feel like I understand David when he said, “How long oh Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart?” Ps. 13:1-2

I realized that a lot of David’s Psalms are actually like this. We, or let me say I am used to all his “and I will rest in the shadow of the almighty… oh how my soul longs for you… you are everything I need… I rest in you” *unwavering happy moment* psalms, yet there are so many “Lord I can’t do this anymore, it feels like you are not here and I am just a man. Can you even hear me crying out to you? Are you out there?” *clueless doubting desperate* Psalms.

And it has helped me realize that it’s okay to have those moments with God because even in though there was moments of heart-breaking despair and darkness, the light won victorious in David’s life.

 You know what, let’s make a deal hey?

I know I’m going through my issues and you may be going through your issues,  but I won’t give up if you don’t? Just get down on your knees and tell God, “at some point you have got to come through, because I am not, no matter what giving up on my faith. I believe you know what you are doing in my life (and in my family’s lives) and I am tired of stressing about things that are out of my control so I choose to trust in you, I choose faith…    

HEART BREAK RULES: Story Time- FORBIDDEN LOVE?

Hello lovely people, How are you this fine morning? Or afternoon? Or evening? Or whatever time you are reading this blog post in the course of your day...

So I haven't gotten many heart break story responses since my last post and I think I figured out why... You see, when you give your heart to someone, you are giving them not just that but also your trust and when they break it, they break your trust as well. This leads, in turn, to you never wanting your heart to be broken, which leads to you trusting less and less, leading to you hating the very thought of being vulnerable.

So it makes it even harder to share your story. This is just what I have observed from my few years on this earth. Don't just write it off, because it is true. Anyway today I will just share briefly two relationship stories that I personally watched play out before me last year that didn't end the way you think they would have.

STORY 1.

There was a girl I met last year during my DTS who had been through a whole lot. Her life story is one that wouldn't leave a dry eye in the room, but that is a story for another day. We shall give her the name Sky -just for fun-

Sky and I at first were not the closest of friends because I could not, for the life of me, understand her! She was a very strong character, and was one of those loud personalities that are not afraid to speak their mind, no matter who is in the room or what the consequences might be. So for someone like me who always thinks about how a person is going to react before I say anything, that was umm very different.

We did get to spend a lot of time together though, which helped me to get to understand and love her more. 

Now on the other hand, there was this guy, we can call him Josh. Josh was a leader, he also became like a brother to me. He is one of those guys who talk a whole lot when you are one on one, but is more silent in a crowd. He had his flaws but he is one of the coolest guys I know because he genuinely loves!

-you by now probably know where this is going but back to our story-

Josh and Sky started talking, and they continued talking, and talking, and did I mention talking? :P Causing a budding romance between the two of them. It was a classic 'boy likes girl, girl likes boy' situation, but there was one hitch.

It was not allowed.

The rules of DTS state that during the period of your 6months there you cannot date because you are supposed to be focused on building your relationship with God, and especially no dating between a leader and a student. So it was a modern day-not as dramatic- case of Romeo and Juliet ;) 

Sky and Josh told us they were praying about it and even got us involved, because they were my friends I supported them all the way, even when they decided to start a relationship; but forbidden love does have consequences. There were people in the team who were not happy about their relationship because it broke the rules. They believed it would be a distraction us working as a team to do ministry. Whether it was the cause of distrust and division leading to having to pick a side in our team I will never know for certain, but we did have issues amongst each other and we ended up leaving the mission field early.

By the time we went back to the base, we had to go through a few conflict resolution sessions to resolve our 'team issues'. Josh and Sky both apologized 100 times individually and said if they had thought before that their relationship would lead to all the events that took place they would not have started it but still there was a lot of blame game going on.

In my head, besides all the drama that was going on I forgave them and knew it was worth it. It's okay since they were still going to end up together. Josh would tell me how he knew she was the one and talk like he loved her fiercely. They would have conversations about how when she went back home they were going to keep a long distance relationship. Sky made Josh promise that no matter what he would not break up with her.

DTS soon ended and they had to say their goodbyes, on a sad but 'don't worry we are going to skype every day and see each other in a year' note.

Josh was even talking to me about proposal ideas, and how he was going to go to the country where Sky lived and surprise her. Maybe even live there. I mean literally uproot his whole life for her. 

This is the part where they lived happily ever after, right?

Well, wrong. Less than two months after the physical separation Sky broke up with Josh. What happened was when she went back home there was a lot of things going on in her life 'I told you she has a complicated past' and she felt like Josh was not being there for her.

Josh on the other hand, had a lot of things happen within his family at that time as well, so as much as he wanted to be there for Sky he was overwhelmed with his own issues.

It broke his heart when she broke up with him, especially after she had made him promise to never break up with her. The worst thing is that while they were breaking up they abused each other and said things they would both regret, leaving them on non-speaking terms.

It was a reflection of humanity; Or rather the brokenness of humanity that I keep talking about... What is most frustrating is that after everything the team went through for the sake of their relationship, the least they could have done was gotten married lol; but that is not how the world works.

I personally would never want to experience that myself, which is why I am grateful to have seen the messiness unfold. It is a lesson.

1. Don't make promises you cannot keep

2. If you are going to do love, do it the right way. Don't rush into it, protect your heart and actually PRAY!

3. Understand how your relationships affect others. Love is not selfish or self-centred. It is actually the most servants’ like attribute because at ALL times you should be thinking about what is best for the other person. 

Today, Sky and Josh are both doing well individually. I've kept in touch with both of them and the beauty of life is that our mistakes do not define us, and I can honestly see God is doing amazing things in both their lives. :D

Okay, so because this story has taken way too much space, I will save the second one for my next blog post... Again feel free to share with me how you feel, I love reading your comments, inboxes etc. 

P.s Exams start next week *fingers crossed* prayers greatly appreciated! :P

LOvE Ya'al!

BYE