Heeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeey!!!!!!!!!!
So it’s
been a while since my last post, but having closed the semester I do believe I
will have more time to update ya’al on perrfect imperrfections. Now today I’m
going to take a break from my heart break rules series –though we do only have
one more post to go- because I want to rant, and the best way to rant is to
write it down and make it look like a deep, intentional, philosophical post
lol.
So here
goes. I am mad at God. Okay maybe not mad, frustrated really and we are sorting
out our differences but still I just had to admit how I feel. Recently, my
parents have been going through a really tough phase financially, like super
crazy bad.
I have
watched my mum cry out to God a lot and because she and I are close she tells
me about her talks with Him. She has so much faith and stuff that this is just
a Job season and it is going to pass, that faith is what has been carrying her
since last year. The weird thing is that I have quite a number of friends who are
going through the exact same thing. It’s like a crazy financial firewall that
cannot be breached and I really just don’t understand!
I mean God
listens to our prayers right? He is real yeah? So is he just ignoring them on
purpose?!
Then reason
number two. I have been having these super deep talks with my brother as well
recently, and he has been questioning God’s existence and whether it can be
proved as factual and scientifically founded. It has been super hard for me,
especially when he asks questions that I cannot answer. You see for me, I think
one of things that I inherited from my mother is faith so I don’t need to dig
deep into evolution verses creation theories to see which one is more factual
or sound. I believe because what is the alternative? For me it’s too depressing
to think about a world and life without a purpose, you are born, you live, you
die! Why????
My brother
on the other hand is very logical and his words were, “It just seems to me that
both sides have their own ways to prove why they are right and it’s just a
choice I have to make.” Then he would ask me questions like “If God exists why
doesn’t He just show Himself to us to prove it? Or if the Bible is real then
how can a God who claims to love people kill millions of innocent people in the
old testament? Innocent women and children because of something their father
did? Or if He knows the past, present and future why can’t he stop evil things
from happening in the future? Or do we really have a choice in the matter of
getting saved if he knows everyone who will ultimately end up in heaven and everyone
who will end up in hell? And those people who lived in indigenous villages and
never once got to hear the gospel, do they go to hell because they never got a
chance to believe in Jesus?
So when I
was in my room I literally went before God and was like, ‘wth?! I mean really?
You said that I don’t have to defend you, that you would reveal yourself to
every individual and it is so tiresome trying to explain and defend your
actions. I mean you are God, you literally can do anything you want so why can’t
you just speak clearly? Like in a dream? Or a voice from Heaven? I know I have your
Word but even in your Word I feel like I understand David when he said, “How
long oh Lord? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from
me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my
heart?” Ps. 13:1-2
I realized
that a lot of David’s Psalms are actually like this. We, or let me say I am
used to all his “and I will rest in the shadow of the almighty… oh how my soul
longs for you… you are everything I need… I rest in you” *unwavering happy moment*
psalms, yet there are so many “Lord I can’t do this anymore, it feels like you
are not here and I am just a man. Can you even hear me crying out to you? Are
you out there?” *clueless doubting desperate* Psalms.
And it has
helped me realize that it’s okay to have those moments with God because even in
though there was moments of heart-breaking despair and darkness, the light won
victorious in David’s life.
You know what, let’s make a deal hey?
I know I’m
going through my issues and you may be going through your issues, but I won’t give up if you don’t? Just get
down on your knees and tell God, “at some point you have got to come through,
because I am not, no matter what giving up on my faith. I believe you know what
you are doing in my life (and in my family’s lives) and I am tired of stressing
about things that are out of my control so I choose to trust in you, I choose
faith…
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